The Borowitz Report has obtained the following letter from Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney to his former gardener, José Salazar:
I’m writing to you today with some exceptionally good news.
As you probably remember, a few months back I fired from you from your job mowing the lawn at my house. If I remember correctly, my exact words were, “I’m running for office, for Pete’s sake, I can’t have illegals.”
Well, here’s the good news: now I can.
Thanks to President Obama’s executive order regarding immigration, I’m happy to report that I can hire you back to your old job, as long as you’re under 30. Am I right in assuming you are? You looked pretty young to me, especially for a person who spends so much time in the sun and isn’t allowed to come inside the house.
You see, as much as I like firing people, I’ve come to regret letting you go, José. Ann and I miss you. The young man we hired to replace you, while “legal” and all, just doesn’t mow the lawn as well as you do, and he insists on being paid “on the books,” which rubs Ann and me the wrong way.
So I hope you’ll consider my offer to come back. The only teeny hitch – and I hope you’ll agree that it’s just a teeny one – is that I’ll have to fire you again come January. I’ll be President then, and I’ll have to reverse everything that Obama did, for Pete’s sake.
But there’s a lot of mowing to be done between now and January, José, and Ann and I think you’re the man do it. If not, I suppose we’ll have to go out and hire ourselves a Greek fellow. I understand they work for nothing, or drachmas – whichever’s less. (Laughing Out Loud.)